Say it with Me: Television is a Right! (Pt. 3)
You're a busy person. You deserve to relax. In fact, you NEED to relax. Because your stress is quite literally killing you. And no one deserves to die. Countless studies have shown that leisure activities help reduce stress, and as a result, reduce stress related health problems. Because I don't want you to die, I say you have a RIGHT to relax. What's a better way to relax than by putting your feet up and watching your favorite TV Show? Because I say that relaxation is a RIGHT, I propose the Federal Government provide a television, free of cost, to every American Citizen. How much will that cost, you might ask?
Laid out in my bill, the American Calm Act, I aim to bring the cheapest plan for the taxpayer:
- 326,500,000 Americans would get televisions
- At $161 per television, the cost would be $52,429,650,000
- However, a television is useless without electricity, so we must also provide electricity, which at $.15/kwh will cost $35,915,000,000 annually.
- On top of that, we must provide a content provider, be it Netflix or Amazon Prime or Hulu, at $8 a month will cost $31,344,000,000 a year.
- The Total for the first year of this program will be $119,688,650,000
My good friend Kim (who just so happens to be the President of Samsung America) has pointed me to an article with an optometrist that shows Curved TVs reduce eyestrain. Because I am so concerned with the health and well being of Americans, I am updating the ACA to include the cost of curved televisions instead of normal ones. They normally cost $899.99, but because we are buying so many at once, I have been informed that it will put much strain on the resource market and increase costs a bit, from $900 to $2700 per television, but no price is too high to prevent Americans from dying. So the cost of this will be $881,550,000,000.
"Another friend of mine, Jeff, has informed me that bundling cable and internet together will save us some money. So in the ACA is a stipulation that all streaming capabilities will come through Time Warner. This will only cost $430,980,000,000 a year. More than if we just went with Netflix, but Jeff has pointed out that I neglected to consider that Americans can't afford internet, and that Netflix might not have the bandwith to stream to every American's television. But again: We are going to save lives with this bill.
The Congressman from Oil County has partnered with me on this bill. Together we have modified it so that we provide twice as much electricity to account for Americans who are unemployed, retired, or simply need more time to relax. However, because this will cause strain on the electric grids, we are going to pay $.25/kwh to one electric company, at the convenience of only dealing with one. This will cost $119,716,187,800 a year. To scoff at this amount is to scoff at the lives of American men, women, children, and veterans.
In order to save the lives of millions of Americans over the next century, we must spend $1,432,246,187,800 this year, and $550,696,187,800 every year after. We can achieve this by ensuring the millionaires and billionaires are paying their fair share.
Say it with me: Television is a Right! Anyone who is against this bill will have the weak from stress blood of innocent Americans on their hands.